If you own a sports car because you’re compensating for something (or your partner is), you might want to swing wide of the Icelandic Phallological Museum—no matter what you’re packing in those jeans, “just” the tip takes on a new meaning when you’re facing the museum’s 67-inch blue whale penis front top.
But the Icelandic Phallological Museum isn’t the only place where you’ll see genitalia on display.
Sex, erotica, and penis museums are scattered all across the world. There is Amsterdam’s Venustempel, or Temple of Venus; the Museum of Sex on 5th Avenue in New York City; the Museu de l’Erotica in Barcelona; the Chinese Sex Museum in Shanghai; the Eroctic Garden in Thailand; and honestly? So many more.
However, when it comes to such penis museums, the only one that is entirely dedicated to pickled pricks, petrified wood, and other low-hanging fruit is the Icelandic Phallological Museum in Reykjavík.
Bullwhip: Just the Tip of the Iceberg
Apparently, Iceland has a tradition of whipping out their dried bull penises—long and limp—to belt farm animals. So, as a joke, an Icelandic history teacher named Sigurður Hjartarson was given such a tool. Awkwardly, it was presented to him because “he had one as a boy,” which certainly does raise the question of what happened to Hjartarson’s original (bull) penis. That was in 1974. He was 33 years old.
As it would so happen, plenty of people in Iceland felt like being—or at least giving—a dick to the young history teacher.
Hjartarson took to his cuddle of c*cks like any true collector. He carefully and meticulously began to preserve, collect, and catalog these members with the goal of catching them all.
The idea was that he would eventually have a sample penis from every species of mammal in Iceland.
“Collecting penises is like collecting anything else, I guess,” he said. “Once I got started, I couldn’t stop”.
(If that’s not a sign of a good time, we certainly don’t know what is.)
By August of 1997, Hjartarson managed to get his hands on 62 penises. He—as any man who is proud of his manhood would—decided to show them off to the public. To do so, he opened up his modest museum in Reykjavík and began charging a small entry fee.
Though most men are not known for their plodding endurance, it wasn’t until 2011 that Hjartarson found the missing member to his collection, acquiring a deceased Homo sapien’s penis. Three more men have signed up to donate whatever is hanging between their legs postmortem. Among them is American actor and writer, Jonah Falcon, who agreed to make a whopping donation of 13.5 inches to the museum after an invitation via The Huffington Post.
According to Guide to Iceland, “At Falcon’s own suggestion, following his death, his penis will be mounted alongside one of the museum’s many whale penises for an exhibition called ‘Jonah and the Whale’, in peculiar tribute to the ancient biblical story”.
What’s Packed into Penis Museums
Phallic fascination is nothing new to humans.
There are phallic symbols and icons in ancient and modern countries throughout the world, from the c*ck-crazy culture of Bhutan to rubbing nub idols in Thailand. However, when it comes to penis museums, the one in Iceland is certainly the only place filled with so many biological samples.
Though some might appear as more impressive than others, all penises are welcome at the museum—for once size doesn’t matter. There is the .08 in baculum, penis bone, of a hamster that requires a magnifying glass to see (no, we’re not just being mean; it really does!).
Then, there is the aforementioned 67-inch tip of the blue whale member. The entire penis would have swung in at about 16 feet and weighed 770-990 pounds. And, there’s about everything in between, including members of seals, goats, reindeer, walruses, and even one from a polar bear. All in all, there are 93 species standing up, or drooping over, to be counted in the collection.
Not only can you admire the family jewels of a so many species of the Animal Kingdom, you can also take notes on how best to preserve them. There’s the classic, and very popular, formaldehyde plunge, which isn’t very flattering, if 95-year-old Pall Arason’s donation is anything to go on.
Then, there’s the stuff-it-to-attention-and-put-Viagra-to-shame, which is how an elephant’s dong manages to spear off one of the walls of the museum. (The elephant’s third “tusk” is part of the foreign collection, where you’ll be able to see what giraffes and zebras pack as well). Of course, there are other options for preservation, such as salting, drying, and pickling.
In addition to the exhibits with creatures you’ve seen on the Discovery Channel (the ones that aren’t nothin’ but mammals), the folklore exhibit boasts mythological penises—which we can assure you are different from fantasy penises.
In the catalog, you’ll come across specimens taken from the Icelandic Elf, Kelpie, Sea-howler, Thorgeir´s Bull, The Corpse-eating Cat of Thingmuli, and The Nasty Ghost of Snæfell. According to the catalog, the elf penis is an “unusually big and old specimen” that was “found buried just outside the churchyard at Skeggjastaðir, NE Iceland,” presumably from pagan times in Iceland.
As if there wasn’t enough dicking around in the folklore section, the museum also boasts a collection of about 350 artistic oddments and practical utensils— all prick themed, of course—to pique the curiosity of visitor. Among them is a commemorative piece of art honoring the Icelandic men’s handball team, which won silver at the Beijing Olympics.
Slate says the sculpture, called The Icelandic National Handball Team, “consists, basically, of a bunch of silver penises pointing at the ceiling in a kind of wild-mushrooms-waving-in-a-field effect”.
Give a Gift that Stands Up—and Out
On your way out, don’t forget to swing by the gift shop for a giggle, if not also a souvenir.
One of the cheapest items in the shop is the shot glass. There is the straight one and the wide-rimmed shot glass. (Given the importance of girth, grab the wide-rimmed one and impress your friends). You also be able to find penis-themed hats, arts and crafts, magnets, willy warmers, and toys (no, not sex toys—just silly willies).
Additionally, there is a selection of designer condoms: Aurora Borealis, Geyser, Hot Spring, and Rock Formation are among those offered at the museum.
Penis Museums Around the World
Though Iceland might be the only museum exclusively dedicated to dicks—sadly, the presidential museum for POTUS 45 will double the count—erotica, sex, and penis museums aren’t just for those fearing cold winters in Iceland. If you’re feeling especially dedicated to supporting penis museums that dive into what keeps our species around, don’t let your adventures stop in Iceland.
Chinese Sex Museum: Shanghai, China
Image Source: Keep Calm and Wander
Shanghai’s Chinese Sex Museum can be found in the old fishing village of Tongli. Surrounded by traditional wooden bridges and rock gardens, the museum was awkwardly built on the location of a former young girls’ school in 1999. It has more than 1,500 exhibits, with artifacts spanning 9,000 years of Chinese sexual history.
Museu de l’Erotica: Barcelona, Spain
Barcelona’s Museu de l’Erotica is painted into Spanish history as the first museum of erotic art in Spain. Its hundreds of pieces explore eroticism and sex in various cultures at various time periods.
Sex Machine Museum: Prague, Czech Republic
Image Source: Fotostrausse
Now, there are times to rage against the machine, but the Sex Machine Museum in Prague is filled with the sort of toys that are better off enjoyed from afar—at least most of them (The electric anti-masturbation machine certainly doesn’t seem like much fun). With more than 200 sex appliances to check out, give yourself plenty of time to enjoy all the pleasurable vibes.
Thailand Erotic Garden: Chiang Mai, Thailand
Though Erotic Garden in Thailand isn’t worth the flight, if you’re already enjoying a few laughs as you explore Bangkok, Phi Phi Island, and Phuket. F*ck it, head up to Chiang Mai and poke around the establishment.
Thailand Erotic Garden by Dice Travels
Now, unfortunately, the organ museum in Weener, Germany, consists of the musical variety of organs, meant to be played with one’s fingers—never blown on. Nonetheless, don’t hesitate to support Weener with your own sweet tank.
Here’s the Men’s Weener Germany tank:
Here’s the Women’s Weener Germany tank:
Icelandic Penis Museum just the Tip of World’s Sex, Erotica, and Penis Museums
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